Funny Sayings

A collection of funny sayings to make you smile and also to inspire you. As we find new inspirational quotes, sayings and expressions we will add them. We hope they bring a smile to your face, but also may their wisdom influence your thoughts.

The first man gets the oyster, the second man gets the shell. Andrew Carnegie

Shouda, coulda, and woulda won't get it done. If you shoulda and coulda, you woulda done it. Pat Riley

We have a problem. 'Congratulations.' But it's a tough problem. 'Then double congratulations.' W. Clement Stone

Life doesn't kick you around. You kick yourself around. Wally Amos

A good memory test; try to remember the things you worried about last week. Dorothea Kopplin

No one has ever drowned in sweat. Lou Holtz

Publicity is like poison. It doesn't hurt unless you swallow it. Joe Paterno

All ballplayers should quit when it starts to feel as if all the baselines run uphill. Babe Ruth

Scientists have proven that it's impossible to long-jump 30 feet, but I don't listen to that kind of talk. Thoughts like that have a way of sinking into your feet. Carl Lewis

Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work. Thomas Edison

I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. Michael Jordan

More gold has been mined from the thoughts of men than has been taken from the earth. Napoleon Hill

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily. Zig Ziglar

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. Mark Twain

To get nowhere - follow the crowd. Dorothea S. Kopplin

I am not a saint, unless you think of a saint as a sinner who keeps on trying. Nelson Mandela

Determination is the wake-up call to the human will. Anthony Robbins

My idea of heaven is a great big baked potato and someone to share it with. Oprah Winfrey

Things omitted are often more deadly than errors committed. Leo Buscaglia

Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns to be amused rather than shocked. Robert Browning

No rewards are offered for finding fault. D. S. Kopplin

It is not well for a man to pray cream and live skim milk. Henry Ward Beecher

A woman's always younger than a man of equal years. Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Money is the root of all evil, and yet it is such a useful root that we cannot get on without it any more than we can without potatoes. Louisa May Alcott

You just have to learn not to care about the dust mites under the beds. Margaret Mead

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? Satchel Paige

Every event that a man would master must be mounted on the run, and no man ever caught the reins of a thought except as it galloped past him. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

A thought often makes us hotter than a fire. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

For Age is not alone of time, or we should never see Men old and bent at forty and men young at seventy-three. Edgar Guest

It is easier to live within than without one's incme. Dorothea S. Kopplin

Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance. Brian Tracy

Ability is a poor man's wealth. John Wooden

New roads; new ruts. G. K. Chesterton

As you go through life make this your goal, keep your eye upon the doughnut and not upon the hole. Sign in a Doughnut Shop

If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun. Katharine Hepburn

Life is not a stress rehearsal. Loretta Laroche

Too much of a good thing is wonderful. Mae West

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet. Mahatma Gandhi

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