Phyllis Diller Quotes

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
Phyllis Diller