Erma Bombeck Quotes

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Erma Bombeck

When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Erma Bombeck

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Erma Bombeck

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
Erma Bombeck

Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed.
Erma Bombeck, more graduation quotes

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
Erma Bombeck

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Erma Bombeck

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Erma Bombeck

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Erma Bombeck

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
Erma Bombeck

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
Erma Bombeck

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
Erma Bombeck

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Erma Bombeck

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
Erma Bombeck

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
Erma Bombeck

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it's unplanned, it's full of surprises.
Erma Bombeck

I've decided life is too fragile to finish a book I dislike just because it cost $16.95 and everyone else loved it. Or eat a fried egg with a broken yolk (which I hate) when the dog would leap over the St. Louis Arch for it.
Erma Bombeck

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
Erma Bombeck

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Erma Bombeck

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me".
Erma Bombeck

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Erma Bombeck

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Erma Bombeck

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Erma Bombeck